Dealing with Anger at Every Age

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Homeschooling is a beautiful journey, but let us be honest: it is not always peaceful. When you are together 24/7, managing math lessons, chores, and different personalities, anger will inevitably show up. Between John and me, we have raised ten children. Seven of our kids came to us through adoption, and anger was often an unwelcome guest in our home. Through over three decades of homeschooling, I have learned that dealing with a child’s anger is less about demanding obedience and more about pointing their hearts toward God.

Anger is not a character flaw. It is an emotion. How we help our kids manage it changes as they grow. Here is a look at how we can guide our children through their anger at different stages of life.

Little Ones: Babies and Toddlers

Infants use crying to get their basic needs met. As they grow into toddlers, they face new frustrations. Often, what we label as bad behavior is really a toddler’s fear, overstimulation, being overtired, or hunger. Toddlers are also frustrated by the skills they have not mastered.

• Set Realistic Goals: We cannot expect a toddler to keep his toys tidy. Focus on simple rules like “no biting or no hitting.”
• Teach Emotions: Labeling emotions helps toddlers understand what is happening inside them. Children need to be taught how to label and manage their feelings, including anger. Saying things like, “You are angry, but it is not okay to hit,” helps toddlers understand emotions better.
• Offer Simple Tools: We can teach our toddlers to take soft breaths, press their hands together, and ask for help and a hug.
• Model the Behavior: Perhaps the best way to teach toddlers to manage anger in healthy ways is to model it. 

Model the Behavior

The best way we can expect young children to stay calm and to control anger is to model how it’s done. For example, imagine you are rushing to get dinner on the table, and your toddler accidentally spills a full cup of sticky juice all over the freshly mopped floor. Your immediate instinct might be to yell or express sharp frustration. Instead, you intentionally pause and narrate your feelings out loud so your child can hear your thought process.

You might say, “Oh no. I am feeling really frustrated right now because I worked hard to clean this floor, and now there is a big mess. I am going to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and ask God to help me calm down.”

After taking a literal, visible deep breath, you gently turn to your child and say, “Accidents happen, but next time we need to keep our cups on the table. Let’s get a towel and clean this up together.”

When we openly demonstrate our own need for self-control and rely on the Holy Spirit to guide our reactions, our children learn that big emotions are normal, but we do not have to let those feelings dictate our actions (Galatians 5:22-23, ESV).

Growing Minds: School-Aged Kids

With school-aged children, I like to emphasize relationship over rigor. This is the stage where we can really start teaching them how their thoughts impact their feelings. They are old enough to understand that anger is a choice.

• Use the 3 Cs: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy offers a great tool for this age.
  • Catch It: Identify the thought that came BEFORE the emotion. The best way to catch negative thoughts is to use emotions as cues.
  • Check It: Reflect on how accurate and useful the thought is.
  • Change It: Change the thought to a more accurate or helpful one as needed.
• Praise the Good: I learned to be exuberant in praise whenever my children were doing the slightest thing right.
• Create a Calm Bag: Fill a bag with things they can squeeze like play dough, a small bottle of bubbles, or paper and a marker to use to express themselves.

How to Use a Calm Bag

Imagine you are sitting in a crowded doctor’s waiting room or trying to help an older sibling finish a math lesson, and you can see your little one’s frustration starting to bubble over. Instead of letting a meltdown take hold, you reach for the Calm Bag. You might hand them a small container of play dough and gently say, “I can see you are feeling really upset right now. Let’s squeeze this dough as hard as we can to let those big feelings out.” Alternatively, you could pull out the bubbles and suggest, “Let’s take a very deep breath and blow a huge bubble to send that angry feeling away.” Having these tangible tools readily available gives your child a safe, physical way to process their emotions before they spiral, guiding them toward peace and self-control (Proverbs 29:11, ESV).

The Transition Years: Tweens and Teens

Pre-teens are often irritable and mouthy. They know how to push their parents’ buttons. Teenagers are attempting to grow into independence, and they may resent parenting. This is the hardest stage, but it is also the most crucial time to remain a steady anchor.

• Avoid Power Struggles: Power struggles never lead to any good. I learned not to care as much about things that will not really matter in the long run.
• Try Affect Labeling: This is the process of listening to another person’s emotional experience and reflecting back those emotions in short, simple “You” statements. A typical affect label would be: “You are angry.” Unlike other forms of reflective listening, when you wish to calm someone down, you must ignore the words and focus on the emotions.
• Fill Their Love Tank: We discover that when their love tank is full, we have far fewer problems with anger. Fifteen minutes of quality alone time does a wonderful job of filling my kids’ love tanks.
• Give Space: Give your teen time and space to process her emotions. Do not feel as if you have to deal with the situation in the moment. Space allows teens time to calm down.

Our kids are reachable, but we have to reach out. The love, care, affection, and commitment we provide give them their best chance. Dealing with anger in your home can be challenging at times, but it is also doable. When we rely on God’s strength and choose empathy over lectures, we can guide our families toward true peace.

Additional Resources

Calming Angry Kids

Are slammed doors and hurting hearts a daily reality in your family? Parenting children with chronic anger is exhausting. Raising ten children, including through adoption, has shown me firsthand the deep challenges of navigating those intense emotions. We often feel like peace is out of reach.

In my book, Calming Angry Kids, I draw on my own experience to help you find a better path. We will focus on understanding what is going on in your child’s brain and prioritizing connection. As the guide highlights, we must “focus on relationship over rules” and “teach a child how to handle frustrations without outbursts” (Goyer, Calming Angry Kids).

This journey is about establishing a standard of respect in the home while controlling how we express our own anger. Every chapter includes reflection questions and action steps to guide weary parents. With a 4.3 rating from 143 reviews on Goodreads, many families are already finding the tools they need.

Peace in your home is within reach. You can grab your copy today!