Parenting: Ten and Two

Audio By Carbonatix

Once upon a time in South Carolina, a knucklehead was driving his new car down the interstate. For the first time in his life, the guy owned a vehicle with cruise control, and he was itching to try out the feature. With the road stretching out before him, he pushed a little button to the left of his steering wheel. Instantly, he felt his car even its speed. Thrilled with this newfangled contraption, the driver let his face spread with a grin. He removed his foot from the gas pedal. Then he promptly laid down in his seat to take a nap.

Minutes later, after the collision and after one rather rude awakening, police officers arrived at the scene. They surveyed the damage that had been done, and then they politely requested a statement from the guy who had caused the crash. The man’s report was simple and matter-of-fact: “I thought cruise control meant the car would drive itself.” It was the kind of explanation you’d expect from a three-year-old who has just Crayola-ed the dining room. I know that we’re getting pretty close to having cars that could do this, but I’m still not ready to take a nap in a car that I’m responsible for!

A few years ago, a man came to my office looking for help. He was at his wit’s end with his thirteen-year-old son, because he couldn’t keep the kid under control. The dad agonized over what he should do, with the pain he felt written all over his face. When it came right down to it, the problem was simple. For eight years, the guy had been a hands-off parent. He hadn’t given his son enough guidance to fill a teacup. He had told himself things would be better that way, so he had pushed the cruise control button for his kid’s life. Then, essentially, he laid down to take a nap, leaving the boy to do all of his own steering. Looking back, it came as no surprise to the father that he found himself at a crash scene, trying to pick up pieces.

The hands-off approach to parenting can seem brilliant on paper. After all, it’ll give little Johnny freedom to make choices. It’ll show Suzie we trust her. It’ll prepare them for the real world, where they’ll have to fend for themselves. It’ll teach them to take responsibility for their actions. If we let our kids do as they please, they’ll never hate us for being controlling. And best of all, if we don’t teach them anything we certainly won’t teach them the wrong thing. Right?

One problem: kids want guidance. Ask any psychologist and they’ll tell you that children, especially young children, need steering. They like boundaries. They enjoy structure. They crave parameters. Kids want help from their parents out on these roads. They like to know which direction we think they should go. They like our advice on how they can stay on track. They want us to help them discern right from wrong, even though we do read a map upside-down every once in a while.

If you’ve loosened your grip too much at the parenting wheel or if you’ve removed your hands entirely, it’s time to reconsider that choice. At a crash site, every single explanation you once had will sound lame in your own ears. Get involved in your kids’ lives. Have a say in what they do. Be the deciding factor in crucial moments. It’s worth it!